Trolls Be Trollin

 Trump-Kennedy Center? Yuck.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Over the years, the number of Christmas cards we receive has dwindled. It's been our practice to hang the cards we receive in a wreath encircling the enormous mirror over our mantle, but last year we didn't even have enough to do that, so we used cute holiday clothespins to clip them to the garland we have strung across the window instead.

I completely understand the phenomenon; it's been decades since we sent our own holiday greetings. This time of year can be so hectic that some traditions fall by the wayside. Now that I'm retired, I have considered reinstating the practice, but I haven't progressed beyond the consideration phase. 

The ladies of my bowling league have an entirely different perspective, however. I was unprepared for the number of Christmas cards I received yesterday at our weekly match, and then again today at the holiday luncheon. Their greetings easily quadrupled those we already have this season, and how awesome it is that we may have to use both the mirror and the garland to display all the warm wishes that have been sent our way.

And? I definitely know how I'll be spending some of my time next Christmas!

...Until You try It

"Where are these famous Clementine cookies?" one of the teachers at our former school asked yesterday at the annual cookie exchange.

I pointed to a tin of thumbprint cookies filled with Clementine curd.

"Do you actually squeeze the Clementines?" she asked.

"Yeah, but it's not really that hard," I shrugged. "You just cut them in half and--" I gestured using the hinged citrus squeezer.

"But you made fresh-squeezed Clementine juice?" she laughed. "Really?"

"I guess I wouldn't be against buying it," I replied, "except I've never actually seen it anywhere. And you need it for the filling."

"Ridiculous!" she said and took a bite of her cookie. Her eyes widened. "But worth it!"

The Violent Femmes Method

One of Heidi's students was feeling frustrated and stood at the classroom door, ready to walk out. 

"I'm leaving!" he said. "You can't stop me!:"

"Okay," she replied, "but just so we're clear, if you leave without my permission, you will be suspended."

His eyes widened.

"And that will go on your permanent record for everyone to see, even your parents," she continued.

"Are you threatening me?" he sneered.

"No," she answered, "I'm just telling you what will happen if you walk out of here right now."

"Fine!" he said and turned on his heel to go back to his desk.

Prepositions Matter

Josh and his sister and her boyfriend stopped by for a few hours this afternoon on their road trip home to Pennsylvania from Roanoke. I had spent the morning baking, and enjoyed a crackling fire, milk and cookies as we visited. Jay had never been to DC, so he was puzzled when we started talking about kickball leagues. 

"Wait! Adults play kickball here?" he asked.

"Yeah," Josh answered. "Down on the mall."

Jay looked incredulous. "How do they play kickball in the mall?" he asked.

"Not 'in'," Josh corrected him. "On."

Heidi nodded sympathetically. "Not a shopping mall," she explained. "It's a big green space with lots of museums in the middle of D.C."

"But they really play kickball there?" Jay clarified.

"They really do," she said, and he shook his head in disbelief.

Scientific Inquiry

"I have a question," a student in the science class I was subbing for yesterday remarked. "If I put a slice of bread on the ground here, and someone else put one on the ground exactly on the other side of the earth, would that make our planet a sandwich?"

I raised my eyebrows at what seemed like his obvious attempt to avoid the worksheet he was doing on the planets, but before I could comment, another student raised his hand.

"I have some thoughts," he said, "about what constitutes a sandwich."

Intrigued, the first student and I both nodded, inviting him to continue.

"I would say you have to at least have a two-thirds ratio of filling to bread, and even that is pretty stuffed." He paused for our reaction to his theory.

"That seems right," I agreed. "So the answer to the question is no."

"What if we had an enormous piece of bread?" The first kid wouldn't give up. "And we placed it, say, over New York City." He shrugged as if it were obvious why he would want to cover the Big Apple with bread. "And then put the other piece wherever is opposite."

"That's probably an ocean," observed the second student. "Which would make the bread very soggy."

"As fascinating as this is," I interrupted, only half ironically, "it really isn't relevant to the work you're supposed to be doing."

Student one sighed. Student two nodded in prudent agreement. Both returned to their worksheet.

What's Not in My Wallet

Having a lifetime pass to the National Parks offers me unlimited access to some of the most beautiful places in the country, and I got it as soon as I was eligible at age 62. Before that, we used to purchase the standard America the Beautiful pass annually, always looking forward to whatever amazing photograph of which national park was featured. I missed that when I got my permanent card.

Even so, as many reasons as there are that I appreciate my lifetime pass to the National Parks, now there's one more: