See? This is what happens:
Half my life ago, I was sitting across a small table from a psychic. We were as close as two diners in a Paris brasserie, and there was even a candle between us. "This means my spirit guide, Bartholomew, is with us," she had said as she lit it. I nodded, knowingly. She was remarkably accurate in her reading; I even have the cassette tape to prove it. She was the type of medium who mixed the spirits' guidance with her own catchy catch-phrases: "If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail-- don't ya think?" or "The way I see it, we have two choices-- stinkin' thinkin' or an attitude of gratitude, don't ya think?"
About 20 minutes into the half-hour, she says to me, "You have an addictive personality; can you see that about yourself?"
"Oh, yeah," I shrugged, pushing the corners of my mouth down, "I see that." At 23, I thought I knew everything, especially about me. At that moment, the tone of my voice, my posture, and my facial expression was dismissive, communicating that this was no problem. Who can't handle a little addiction?
Well, flash forward... it's been a bit of a struggle over the past couple of decades. There's no such thing as a "touch" of addiction, not in my experience, anyhow. Along with prosaic compulsions, my obsessions take the most unexpected forms, too. When I started this SOLSC, I was all about the fluency: pure writing for writing's sake. I posted my first entry without fan fare; I didn't even mention it to my family or friends. This will be a good daily regimen for me, I thought. Day 2? I logged in to post my second entry, and was shocked (shocked! I tell you) to find comments. I read them with wonder. Did someone else REALLY take time to read and reply to my writing? How cool.
But now? Oh, wow. I must have checked five times after I posted yesterday. What do you mean my post is waiting to be moderated? How long could THAT possibly take? Get it up there! I find that I'm also disturbed by the diminishing comments. On Day 1, there were four, Day 2, three, yesterday, when I started writing this, just one. Ironically, if the trend continues, this post may not have a single comment.
And so it seems to be with my "addictive personality". I often lose touch with what's valuable in any given experience by over-valuing it.