They Don't Have to Like You

Today one of my students called me her favorite teacher. I was mildly flattered, and I thanked her, saying that I was glad she liked our class. Later in the day, another student brought me a cookie from lunch. "Are you sure you won't want this after school?" I asked him, "You might be pretty hungry then." But he was certain that he would not, plus he told me that he wanted me to have the cookie. This guy brings me an orange from his lunch every few days or so, too. In the winter, I usually pack a couple of clementines for myself and set them on my desk after lunch to eat later as a light snack. He must have noticed this, because the first time he brought the orange, he told me that he knew I liked them, and I couldn't find a good way to say no thank you.

I truly appreciate these gestures and the others like them. I care for my students, and I'm touched when they respond in kind. In general, I feel that I have a pretty positive relationship with most of them. It hasn't always been that way, though. When I first started teaching, probably the most common advice I got was to remember that I wasn't there to be their friend. That nugget was always followed by the corollary, They don't have to like you as long as they respect you.

The truth is that when you live by those rules you're likely to have some pretty nasty interactions with the kids. (Think "An Officer and a Gentleman" "tough love" and "you'll thank me later".) In my career, I've been written about in sharpie on the bathroom wall, disparaged in the lunchroom loudly enough that an administrator would take note, and called a "fat bitch" on the first day of school, in addition to all those students who just didn't like me. In the beginning, I dismissed it as "their problem," and refused to take it personally. I didn't refuse to show my anger, however, and there were kids in every class that pushed my buttons and drove me crazy. In retrospect, I'm sure that was a lot more fun for them than learning English. Eventually, I realized that if I didn't allow them to provoke me, it was much easier to handle.

Five years ago, I was a mentor to an experienced teacher who was new to our school and new to middle school, too. Early on, I advised her not to take anything the students say about you to heart. Remember that they are children at a temperamental age, and what they think today will probably be different tomorrow. By that, I meant to let things go, never hold grudges, and try to let each day be a new day. I still think that's good advice, but I've grown to believe that we must at least listen to the complaints the students have about us, because there are two sides to every story, and if a kid doesn't like you, there's something wrong, and it will be better for everyone if you can fix it. Don't take it personally, but do take it seriously.